The myth of “rape culture”

For the past couple of years, I have been hearing more and more the words “rape culture”.   I didn’t understand what it meant and to this day, I am not understanding the meaning.   Why?  The meaning is very generalized.  Here is an example, one of many I might add, that no one, and I mean no one has the same definitions.

From Wiki:  (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture)

Rape culture is a theoretical concept (a qualitative theory) in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.

Behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification, trivializing rape, denial of widespread rape, or refusing to acknowledge the harm of some forms of sexual violence. The notion of rape culture has been used to describe and explain behavior within social groups, including prison rape, and in conflict areas where war rape is used as psychological warfare. Entire societies have been alleged to be rape cultures.

I checked many other groups and websites for their definitions, and they all had very broad descriptions of the meaning or some actually citing mundane activities as being part of this myth.

Some of these activities include, but are not limited to:

Asking a woman on a date.

Offering to buy a woman a drink.

Complimenting or commenting on their clothes, hair, looks.

On my social media profile friends list, I had a model on it, who’s specialty was nude modelling.   She proudly displayed each and every image that was taken of her on the social media site.  As a professional photographer, I saw the images for their artistic beauty and didn’t think about them.   This past couple of weeks, a guy on her friend’s list, had made a comment that was inappropriate and rude.   He was basically telling her (in a douche way) that he thought she was hot and wouldn’t mind hooking up with her.

She turned him down, in a very spectacular fashion, and then blocked him.    This I felt should have been the end of it.   Instead, she went on a rant, and drew many people in.  All agreeing with her and talking about rape culture and some like myself didn’t see it that way and said so, and in response they attacked those people and accused them of being part of the problem etc, etc etc.

At one point I had to make a comment, that was both a message to the model and as well to the people commenting.    I stated that while I didn’t feel the guy’s comment was appropriate, I didn’t think her 2 week rant was either.    This prompted attacks from others to me.   Yet when I asked straight forwards questions using logic and critical thinking, I would not get a response but attacks and name calling.

This is what I basically said:

To (Model Name), while I appreciate your work for it’s artistic value, I do find these kinds of rants to be counter-productive and a tad unprofessional.   Here is why, in this world you get many types of people, and some not all, are going to misstep in life.  They will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing etc.   In this guy’s case, he was arrogant and said something that you weren’t open to.    You stated that just because your a nude model, doesn’t mean you want to sleep with every male out there, and I agree with you on that.   However, you didn’t just block him and ended it.  You went on a week long rant, and drew more and more people into this so horrible victimization of you.   There was no victimization, there was a guy who was a douche, who said something inappropriate.  Now the problem I am having and finding unprofessional is the fact you are omitting your part in this.   You chose to be a nude model.   That was your choice.  You chose to post those images on a social media site publicly.  That was also your choice.    Now while I understand that is not an invitation, there are some people out in the world who have no sense of decorum or decency.  This is not me saying I approve, this is just me stating a fact.   These people exist.  And when you post anything, they will come out and say something, that someone will find inappropriate.   When it comes to social media you can do several things, you can ignore it, delete it, or block the person.   You did this.  You blocked him.

You are not a victim.  You blocked him.

There was no rape.  He didn’t rape you.

There was no sexual assault.   He didn’t touch you.

(I didn’t say it in those words but that is what I was driving at).     Some got it.  One guy in particular attacked me in private messaging for a few days over this, and every-time time I asked him how my actions rape culture, all he could say was that I was blaming the victim.

“What victim?”, I asked.

“Your an idiot”, he said.

“How was she a victim?”, I asked.

“You just don’t understand the nuances.”. he said.

“I’m trying but you wont’ answer my questions so I can learn.” I said.

“You aren’t asking question, you are blaming her.”, he said again.

“I never blamed her, I agreed with her original actions to tell him off and block him.  You still haven’t answered my question.  Who is the victim?  She wasn’t raped, she wasn’t sexually assaulted. So who was victimized?”.

“I’m done, good-bye.”  He said.    This point he blocked me.

Even the people on this “rape culture” bandwagon can’t answer direct questions or even agree on what the myth is.   It’s grown in so many ways to the point of maniacal hysteria.

Let’s look at the Cosby situation.   

Here is a guy who over the years has developed a reputation of being the clean cut father figure.   However, we know he was an actor and a comedian.

Now, a woman who wrote a book over 20 years ago, comes forward to push her book by using a small part of the book were she insinuates that she was sexual assaulted by Cosby but has no actual proof.    She never reported it to police, instead she sued Cosby and it was settled out of court for some long forgotten sum of money.    Everyone seems to not look at that.   Now that he rehashed all this, her book sales are going through the roof.

Now bring in the other women.   All state this happened twenty some odd years ago.  None, and I mean none, can remember details and some even admit to being drunk or assume they were drugged. (Again, no proof).  You have all these women claiming sexual assault but none can provide accurate details or offer evidence that they ever met him in person.

In this media frenzy, we see groups gathering to protest his shows, trying to turn others against him.   The rich and famous of course are putting their two cents in.  Everyone is ignoring a few things.

A victim has two responsibilities.  (Ah yes I know, according to feminists, I am promoting rape culture with this statement, it doesn’t make it untrue though),

Those responsibilities are simple.   The first is the victim has to report the crime.  After all, how is the police supposed to investigate and charge someone with sexual assault or rape if they are not told about it?

The second responsibility is to seek help, to learn how to cope and move forward in their lives.   Support groups, mental health etc.

None, and I mean, none of these women ever did any of the first responsibility.  As for the second, no one is talking about it.

According to the feminists that are on the Myth bandwagon, we should accept a woman’s word as law when it comes to rape and sexual assault.  If they say a guy sexually assaulted them, then they did.    No evidence, no investigation needed.

That’s were I have a problem.    Many women already claim sexual assault and rape when none has occurred.  They do this to get revenge on someone.  Usually an ex-boyfriend or some guy they think has spurned them.   This has happened to a couple of friends in my past who got a knock on the door from police, and later was found innocent or the charges got dropped for lack of evidence or the evidence didn’t match the statements of the women etc.

To live in a free country means that you are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, by way of facts backed by evidence.  (At least in a criminal court).   And as such, under those rules, Cosby is in fact innocent.   There was never any charges laid, nor any investigation launched.    And the time to press charges is long past their statute of limitation.  Even if there was no limitation, the women can’t even recall details or offer evidence as proof.   Yet we have people who jump on these bandwagons, supporting these accusations simply because the people citing them, simply because the persons making these claims have a vagina.

The Distinction:

Rape is the act of unwanted penetration

Sexual assault is an unwanted sexual touch.

According to the Myth of Rape culture the following is the support and promotion of it.

Asking a woman out on a date.

Asking a women if she wants to have sex.

Whistling at a women who you are attracted to.

Complimenting a woman in any way.

Talking about a woman, about her appearance,  attitudes, fashion choices, etc.
Let’s remove social media out of the picture.  Let’s put in the old fashioned method of meeting people.  The bar.

You walk up to a pretty woman in a bar, introduce yourself, compliment her smile, hair etc.  Things are going well and you get up and dance.  As your confidence builds you put your hand on her butt.   She grimaces for a second when you don’t aren’t looking at her but then smiles at you, and you bump and grind on the dance floor.   After a couple of hours and a few drinks later, you go back to her place or yours.  Have sex and the next day one of you does the walk of shame.

According to the myth rape culture occurred.   Can you spot it?   It was when she grimaced at the touch.  According to the myth, you just sexually assaulted her.   She has zero responsibility according to the myth to tell you she didn’t want her butt touched.

Another scenario in a bar:

You see a beautiful woman at the bar, you walk up and introduce yourself, you have a conversation, for about two hours and she then admits she isn’t interested in you.   You get upset, and tell her off and walk away.

According to the myth this is rape culture.   Men are not allowed to have feelings when being rejected by women.  According to the myth, a man just has to accept it and move on. No feelings required.

As men, we know, that anytime a woman says No.  It means no.   If a man gets upset and states it, then we are apparently promoting this myth.

This is why I call it a myth.  It is used for almost anything that a women disagrees with when it comes to social interactions with men, and there are no hints or even clear rules.  If a woman says no, then you can then be accused of this rape culture myth.   If the woman says yes, then everything is fine.

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2 thoughts on “The myth of “rape culture”

  1. A point I’d like to make: you assume that reporting a rape, as the victim’s responsibility, to be a simple and easy thing to do. Considering the lack of prosecution in rape cases, many women seek justice in circles of public opinion. The rape culture you don’t see is the same culture that kept women from accusing a powerful male, Bill Cosby, of rape. That same rape culture targeted a girl in Canada, men and women “shaming” her so much that she committed suicide. That’s rape culture. A culture that permits rape, blames the victim for the rape, and then shames the victim. Just because you don’t have a single, standard definition of rape culture doesn’t mean that women aren’t getting raped. I think the women who attack Cosby are doing so because now some people are actually critical of our rape culture, and they use that forum to tell their stories, even though they know Cosby will never be prosecuted for what he has done. Sex without consent is rape. Rape culture secures, supports, and sensationalizes rape without consent. So, there is a critical mass of guys who think sex without consent is o.k. and some people find that to be a problem in our society. Also, the model who ranted may be doing so because this is not the first time a man has made that kind of of comment to her. Her rant may be a response to multiple harassments. And being nude doesn’t exempt you from being treated kindly. As long as there are men who rape, their will be a rape culture backing them up and as long as their is a permissive rape culture, men will be men who rape. I hope I’ve made my self clear and have not muddied the issue. And I wouldn’t attack you myself, because the thoughts you are having may help you to better understand what it is like being a woman. I think that is what you are trying to do here with your post and I appreciate that.

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    1. Yes reporting the rape can be difficult. I get that. I am male, but I’ve survived 3 attempts at being raped myself in my life. I never reported any of them. That was my choice, not to, I don’t blame the system, (males that are raped almost never report it, due to lack of empathy from both males and females), but I point out that I didn’t report it because I choose not to because I didn’t want to make it a central part of my being. Now I understand that surviving an attempted rape is not the same and being raped. It is a very traumatic experience. That is why we have mental health professionals, support groups and more to help victims. To help them come to terms and learn to heal and so they can find the courage to move on. That also includes reporting it. That was the other responsibility of the victim, to seek help.

      Our justice system is a adversarial one. We have prosecution attorneys and their job is to prove guilt of the defendant. The defendants lawyer’s job is to prove innocence. A good lawyer will do their best for their client and even if did do the crime, they will do everything they can to get their client off. And most of all, it’s innocent until proven guilty by FACTS BACKED BY EVIDENCE. That means, it’s a huge area when there is no evidence presented and it’s a his word against hers type of situation. That isn’t the promotion of rape culture, it isn’t protecting the rapist, it isn’t blaming the victim. It’s a huge grey area.

      The rant by the model, may have been for the reasons you said. It was still unprofessional and unwarranted. Just because a man hits on a woman, and the woman found it unwanted, doesn’t mean it promotes rape, or sexual assault. It was a douchebag move by a douchebag. And with the model’s case, I made the point that she made the conscious choice, to pursue a career in nude modeling. In doing so, I assume she would realize that it may be a profession that would occasionally attract douchebags. I don’t think she should have to deal with that, but I live in the real world where there are douchebags and nice people and angry people and stupid people and smart people and happy people. And finally, I do not know of, seen anyone, or know any man that considers non consensual sex as being “ok”, so I do not see any critical mass of this group of “men” who think rape is ok. The world I live in, doesn’t have that. The majority of men, know that when a woman says NO, then it is not okay to rape her.

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